Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
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My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
💯😂
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?