terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
TODAY
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
One venti cheeseburger please.
going to the ER y’all need anything
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how