Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Just a bush.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?