“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
We found love in a hopeless place.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.