“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
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[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil