On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
You Might Also Like
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
this is me
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I’m not wrong
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984