Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
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Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?