Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*