My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
You Might Also Like
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.