“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
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I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
*pronounces patio like ratio
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.