Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
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I just got arrested for felonious mopery
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine