I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
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I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake