Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
i- i did not expect this
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Fat chances are my favorite chances
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?