I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
new year update: losing everything but weight
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”