That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
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6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.