I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Worth the read.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.