If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
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I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.