[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
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[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.