[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
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If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.