I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?