Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)