HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.