I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
You Might Also Like
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.