[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
You Might Also Like
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.