I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood