“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
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Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show