I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
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Called it
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I think I’ll stand
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…