Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
You Might Also Like
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.