I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?