Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
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Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
are there any atheist mantises?
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Still cracks me up
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.