wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
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Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?