Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
This pepper has seen some shit
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?