Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
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My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
Netflix and you sit over there.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.