Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I enjoy a good short stor
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.