By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
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I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.