fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
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Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.