When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
How times have changed.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
From Facebook just now…
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.