This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
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If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me, flirting😏
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no