I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
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No, I don’t think I will.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.