Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber