[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Two types of dogs.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
How to wake up a Beagle
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.