Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
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No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
When someone says you are so lazy
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Note to self: always read the final line
I don’t understand what’s happening here.