It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Yup
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
me linking you to my twitter
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?