my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Lol #dogsoftwitter