me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
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Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
3% human
97% stress
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.