Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
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Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Cat is stressing him out.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?