I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing