I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Called it
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.