FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that