My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
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Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
All generalizations are stupid.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart